BlogsWhy not I?19.04.2014
I slammed the car door and got my finger in between, the whole finger fastened between the car and the door. Before the pain hit me, the brain sent a signal to the other hand to open the door. While my husband was driving, I watched my finger and knew exactly what to do. I love to see people healed. I always pray for sick if asked for, when I meet people in shops, restaurants streets and they tell about sickness, I ask if I can pray, no matter if they are believers or not. I believe that as Jesus paid for our sins, He also paid for our healing; I believe God always wants to heal. And there I sat watching my malformed finger trying to breathe as the main started hitting me. At last I said to the finger, "be healed in Jesus name." Nothing happened.
This morning I read about the boy disciples could not heal, and I started getting an answer to my "finger issue". It was not about that disciples had not had faith. They if anyone should have had faith, they had walked with Jesus and seen healings, creative miracles, healings from incurable diseases, I did not check if they had already seen dead raised, but what I did check, they had already got authority and they had been sent to preach the gospel and heal the sick, they had healed the sick by themselves. And again, they were confused and asked Jesus why they could not heal the boy. They had not done that if they had thought, "well, it was not God's will, or, he or his parents have sinned so he has to pay for that and stay sick, or even that it was a gradual healing which will manifest one day". They had expected him to get heal then.
So what did Jesus answer, even if one translation of the Bibles I use says that it was because of their little faith, no one else of them says that, but all the other ones say that it was because of their unbelief. Anyway, how small would that little faith had had to be, remember what Jesus said about the faith small as a mustard seed, it can move a mountain! He said, because of their unbelief. And in all sudden I saw myself telling to my finger to get healed, having faith that His will is always to heal, that He both can and will and before all that He wants me to get healed. But in that moment I just felt tired, I had no expectation for anything to happen, with other words, I had doubt. My thoughts went to my aching back, I was wondering if the finger was broken. What it I do, I let in thoughts which did not pull to the same direction with my faith, I started dwelling in thoughts that were fighting against what I believe about God and His will in these situations. With other words, I let unbelief cancel my faith for healing that moment. Faith wanted to take me to Papa to receive, but unbelief "knew" all the things and I stayed still.
It sounds rude to say this, but I believe that healing was fully available to me in that moment, I just chose to look at what I have learned in the natural, what my present (similar kind of) situation declared, I let things that are under change and destruction overrule what God's unchanging word says and missed my healing. Do I feel condemned? No. Do I know thing that I have to pay for my unbelief and go with damaged finger? No. Jesus paid for my sin, He carried my pain, and He carried my every disease.
What I will do is, I will turn to Him, ask Him to forgive me for that I missed it and ask Him to show me the root of my unbelief and give it to Him and receive my healing. Is this about performing? Does this mean that we have to be a certain way to receive our healing? Yes and no. Do I judge people who do not get healed when prayed for? No, as I said, I don't judge myself either. But what I want to say is, God is always the same, we are the variables. It means, when we cannot receive our healing, it is not because He cannot or He does not want to. The hindrance is always on our side. He does not judge us, He loves us, and He wants to help us. Let's believe that and go to Him with confidence to get help in right time. I rather get my healing that keep hold of my fear or pride and offense of not being "good enough"; have "faith enough" to receive my healing.
I am writing this having a swollen, aching finger, but my healing belongs to me, not because of how I succeed but because of what Christ did for me. I want to learn to value what He did for me and receive it in full.
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